Jim Breuer as Joe Pesci
John Goodman as Steven Seagal
Mark McKinney as Jim Carrey
Will Ferrell as bearded Harrison Ford (acting as the Harrison Ford when he was arrested in the Fugitive
After the opening, Joe Pesci introduces his co-host.
Pesci: My good friend is a tough guy who, while he isn't Italian, portrayed Italians like Det. Gino Felino in Out For Justice and Nico Toscani in Above The Law - and very well I might add. Would you please welcome - Steven Seagal!!
Out comes obese but mystical Steven Seagal, played by John Goodman, dressed in black with ponytail.
Pesci: Wow, looks like you're really enjoying the pasta fagioli!
Seagal (all mystic-like): It is a pleasure to be here, Mr. Pesci, to which I owe you many thanks for allowing my appearance on your program.
Pesci: Think nothing of it, my paisano. Anyway, my first guest is a funny guy who I'm bringing on because I think he might actually make Mr. Seagal laugh a little. Please welcome Jim Carrey!!
Out comes Mark Mckinney as Jim Carrey. He sees Seagal and does Bruce Lee karate imitations with lots of sound effects before he sits down.
Pesci: Now c'mon, Jim. Don't make fun of Mr. Seagal's martial arts expertise.
Carrey: Who, Mr. Blubber here? He looks like Chunk Norris.
Seagal: I will treat your remark as an attempt at humor, to which I will politely let pass by me into the mystical plain.
Pesci: Jim, let's be polite here. You can learn a bit from Mr. Seagal's calmness.
Carrey (ignoring Pesci): Hey, Steve, can you chop a board in half? We'll smart small and use Mr. Pesci here.
Pesci (starting to boil): Jim, I wish you wouldn't keep pushing my buttons. I don't like it when you try my patience every time you're on my show.
Carrey: You're right, maybe I'll try a buffet instead. I'm sure Seagal here has a ton of experience.
Seagal (quoting Confucius): The superior man is distressed by the limitations of his ability; he is not distressed by the fact that men do not recognize the ability that he has.
Carrey: Hey, Pesci, can you translate that gibberish into crazy Italian with some hand gestures??
Pesci drops the cigar and picks up his bat.
Pesci: OK, you rubbery idiot. Let's try chopping you in half - with this bat!!
He starts to pummel Carrey.
Seagal joins in and does his aikido, flinging Carrey around. They go offscreen and then a dummy of Jim Carrey is seen flying through the air, landing behind the couch.
Pesci (looking behind the couch): Hey, it looks like Mr. Carrey isn't as rubbery as we thought!
He picks up an arm and a leg.
Pesci (quoting Goodfellas): Hey, what do you like, the leg or the wing, Steven?
Steven takes a leg and they have a mock swordfight with the limbs. They then throw the limbs behind the couch and sit back down.
Pesci: Well, I can give credit to Jim Carrey - he's good for a laugh or two. Anyway, it's time for my next guest and he's a true star. Would you please welcome - Harrison Ford!!
Out comes Will Ferrell with a beard as Harrison Ford, in his frantic 'Dr. Richard Kimble from the Fugitive' mode. He looks behind the couch and sits down.
Ford: How could do that to Jim Carrey?? Now he's going to need a MECHANICAL ARM!!!!
Pesci: Hey, Harrison, coming on this show is expensive. It'll cost you an arm and a leg!!
Pesci chuckles. Ford looks at Pesci horrified.
Seagal: Hey, Harrison, you portrayed Han Solo in Star Wars, correct?
Ford: Yes, I did.
Seagal (putting one hand behind his back and the other in the air): Well, in Jim Carrey's next movie, he's going to portray "Hand Solo".
Pesci busts a gut laughing. Ford looks even more horrified.
Pesci (after laughing quite a bit and slapping his knees): Seagal, I didn't know you could be so hilarious. I almost had a heart attack.
Pesci looks at Ford, who still has look of disbelief.
Pesci: Harrison, c'mon and lighten up. Geez, you were so much fun as Han Solo and Indiana Jones but now you're a stick in the mud. Get that crowbar out of your butt and lighten up. Crack a joke for us!
Ford: I can't crack jokes. Films like the Fugitive and Regarding Henry and Presumed Innocent have taught me life is serious and a constant battle!
Pesci: Steven, ain't this guy a riot?
Seagal: Harrison, since you bring up the Fugitive, I would like to ask you a question.
Ford (still in Dr. Kimble mode): What, what is it?
Seagal: Mr. Ford, I did a film called Under Siege with Mr. Tommy Lee Jones. In that film, I was the star and Tommy Lee Jones was not. Now, for the Fugitive you had Tommy Lee Jones as your co-star and not myself and he won the Oscar instead of myself. Why was I not in the Fugitive when I was the bigger star?
Pesci: That's a great question, Steven. You would have made a great Samuel Gerard. Why wasn't Seagal in the Fugitive, Harrison??
Ford: Well, Tommy Lee was the perfect blend of stoicism and ruthlessness. I mean, he wasn't a wooden actor like Mr. Seagal and he's also not as combustible or as high-strung as you are, Mr. Pesci
Pesci drops cigar and looks offended.
Pesci: What do you mean I'm 'high-strung'?
Ford: You know, you just tend to fly off the handle.
Pesci: You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it's me, I'm a little screwed up maybe, but I'm high-strung how, I mean high-strung like what? How do I know? You said I'm high-strung. How the hell am I high-strung, what the hell is so high-strung about me? Tell me, tell me what's HIGH-STRUNG!
Ford: Just like you are now. Like R2-D2 with a major short-circuit.
Pesci: Oh, now I'm a cute crazy little character with all the cute crazy little noises.
He picks up his bat.
Pesci: Who needs a lightsaber when you got Mr. Bat??
He hits Ford. Ford falls to the ground. Pesci hits him again. Seagal joins in.
Pesci (holding out the bat): Use the Force, Steven.
Seagal grabs the bat and hits Ford a few more times.
Seagal: Maybe next time you'll have me in your picture, Mr. Harrison Fraud.
Pesci: I think he learned his lesson, Steven. Anyway, that's all the time we have today. Remember, may brute force be with you!
He takes back the bat and hits the camera, cracking the lens.
Pesci: I said, Show's Over!!!
Seagal goes behind the camera.
Seagal (offscreen): Didn't you hear? Show's Over!
We hear cameraman yelling in pain.
Cue music
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